You Know When Dad is one of the Kids When....

So when do they grow up, huh? Some people have told me around 30, but he's 30 now and I see little change!  So how do you know when you have one extra large kid in your family?  It's not hard to tell.  

As a mom, I've worked so hard to teach my kids to be polite and well mannered.  So hard.  But when my 19 month old throws up at the dinner table, pushing her gut so hard to burp like daddy, mortification reaches an all time high!  My littlest man says "let's have a burping party" and I scream "NOOO!"  Then I turn to my husband with an icy glare, "this is YOUR fault."

So okay, burping is a natural function, right?  Excess air and gas in the body need to come out, right?  So I guess the same goes for good 'ol flatulence.  And guess what -  at around the age the babes start responding to verbal commands, they also start farting on command as well.  It's funny to get your baby to toot in the tub, right?  And that's why my 19 month old (and all the rest of them) find it gut-busting hilarious when they pass gas now.  They'll even wave it at you if they're feeling extra sassy.  I spit an icy glare at my husband "this is YOUR fault."

Let's face it, our bodies can be pretty gross.  Strange things come out, especially when we are sick. Runny noses turn into crusty noses; and surely one must pick it all out, right?  So when I am at the school with my youngest 2 at a play group, and my 19 month old jams her finger in her nose, and straight into her mouth, I look around at the other mothers quite sheepishly and say "THAT is her FATHER'S fault."  As the saying goes (according to him) "you pick it, you eat it!"

Oh, if only you could be a fly on the wall for one weekend at my house, the things you would see.  I duck away for 15 minutes to shower to return to a blaring loud stereo and kids dancing around off their rockers while daddy tests out some new music.  Or perhaps when the kids slip their pants down their bums and run around the house.  How about the other day, while at Stanley park, daddy decides to hop on the stroller and take a ride down a hill.  Embarrassing?  Indeed.  And the next thing the rest of the kids want a death-defying ride down the hill in a stroller with no brakes.  "Absolutely NOT" I yell.  

Daddy is the one I have to argue with about NOT getting a new TV, or video game system, or computer, or pet.  Big kid?  Biggest of the bunch I'd say!

**Sigh**  So what does this all make me?  The no-fun mom.  The bad guy.  The downer, the kill-joy.  But what can you do?  It's a mom's life, I guess!

2011?? I uhh...don't think I really care!!

Happy New Year!!  I guess.... The eternal pessimist in me has a hard time ringing in a "fresh" new year (doesn't help when you start the year with 3 sick kids and maybe 4 hours of sleep a night for the past week).

Resolutions, anyone?  I think I will pass this year!  I had many possibilities, but really, can I expect much more of myself?  

Here are the resolutions I considered:

Spend more time with the kids - Well it's already 24/7 so I don't see how this one is possible.

Exercise & Eat well - Everyone should already be doing this all the time.  And I try.  And it's all up to the kids really. Will you sleep so I can run?  Will you give me 10 minutes to cook up a chicken breast so I can avoid your Mac 'N Cheese?

Take more time to myself - This is contrary to my first option, and therefore neither make much sense to me.  Possible?  No!

Try not to worry too much?  After years of paycheque to paycheque living, worry becomes inbedded in your SOUL.  So no to this one!


Spend less money?  If I spent any less, I would have no socks, never mind all my socks with holes.  If I spent less, then I would probably be using leaves for toilet paper, or cooking rats over an open fire for supper.  Don't think I could spend LESS!!


Have more fun with my family / get out more / find more activities.  Look at the above resolution and you will see that spending MORE isn't possible, either!!  A lot of FUN requires CASH.  


Oh let's face it.  Unless you are starting the year with a new job, are moving to a new town and starting fresh, there is no "New Year".  All the years just mesh together into one LIFE.  The "New Year?"  Really and come on and PULEASE!  It's an excuse to party!  To drink and act like dummies!  


I was pretty happy just hanging out with the kids playing video games, letting them stay up, and then hearing them complain when mom and dad were too tired and wanted to go to bed at 10:30!


So over the past few days of quiet thought, I've mulled over 2010 and FINALLY pulled out a resolution that I can apply to my life!  What do I remember about 2010?  Not much.  Nothing major stands out, except a few highs and a few lows, and a whole bunch of white hairs from my worry and paranoid tendencies.  Here's what I'm going to do from now on:


Seize the good times, and try not to let anything spoil them.  You know those great moments when the kids are so wrapped up in playing or dancing or having fun and are living in the excitement of the moment?  They aren't thinking about any of their worries.  They are just enjoying the moment.  That's what I need to do.  Then I think I will find a lot more great memories that aren't clouded by the crappier things in life. Deal with the crap when it needs to be dealt with and set it aside.  We all need to be more childlike and lose ourselves in the times that are full of joy! 


So Happy New Year.  I think the key is to just try and make it Happy.  You can just let the rest fall into place on it's own!


  

Merry Christmas from a Newly-Inducted Dinosaur

The excitement and anticipation of Christmas is mounting around the house!  The kids are crackling with nervous energy and it is pretty infectious (when I'm not worried about money and bills and family politics and fighting kids).  I guess growing up brings new stress and new perceptions on the holidays.  You realize just how much things changed since your childhood Christmases.


I asked one of my daughter's friends what she wanted for Christmas the other day - "Oh, just a lap top and a phone."  Say what?  From the mouths of babes?


So as I was dragging my 7 and 3 year old off the computer (It's Christmas on Club Penguin, you know), I yelled, "Go play with your toys!  Or colour! Or play with your play-doh! For crying out loud!"


"But mooo-oooom! Why?  We want the computer!  Or can I go on the lap top?  Why can't I get a lap top for Christmas?"


Suddenly I became my worst nightmare.  I became a product of the olden days. Are you serious?  I'm 30 something, and things have changed so drastically since my childhood, I am officially a dinosaur, and a lecturing dinosaur at that!


Big breath.....and GO!


"I didn't have a computer until I was FOURTEEN years old!  And no internet, either!  No Facebook, or chatting, or video games either.  I was TWELVE when we got our first Nintendo for crying out loud.  You know what I did when I was your age?  I played OUTSIDE!  I rode my bike  and played GI Joe with the boys and Barbies with the girls.  We used to make our own newspapers and tape record our own radio shows.  We made up games and our whole day was a big long episode of made believe.  I read books and wrote my own stories and did puzzles and never ONCE did I play on a computer at home until I was FOURTEEN!  So no, you can't play on the computer and you will NOT get a lap top for Christmas whether you like it or not!"


Big breath in.....and end.


NOW.  I have officially been inducted into dinosaur status, along with the grandparents and great grandparents.  Although I didn't walk uphill in the snow both ways to school barefoot, I came pretty darn close for this generation.  And although you will NEVER pry my beautiful lap top and Blackberry out of my cold, dead hands, there is no way MY kids will ever get either this Christmas, or for many to come!

Oh Can the Holidays Come Soon Enough???

One more day of school...just one more day of this (at least for a couple weeks):

Me: with double stroller, 2 babies inside.

Me: with one crying 3 year old who "can't walk", and is cold but "can't wear the coat because it's too itchy."

Me: with 2 grade two kiddos lagging along behind.

Me: being greeted by strangers with an odd look and comments such as "You've got YOUR hands full." (aka, look at the town pump, har, har)

"Yes I do, and they aren't ALL mine, thank you very much" (is what I'd like to say, but instead I heave a heavy sigh:  "You're telling me.") 

I drop the kids off at school and promptly u-turn to go back home.  Mr. 3 year old "can't walk".  Nope, but he sure can RUN on down the road, screaming and crying that he can't walk. It was already a bad morning, but it got worse when some onlookers stopped in their tracks and look at me funny, "Is he okay?"  Is HE okay? IS HE OKAY?? Are YOU okay would be the most APPROPRIATE question!!  No, I am not chasing this young boy down the road with a double stroller full of babies with the intent of abducting and hurting him.  Hurting him, maybe (in my mind), but yes he is mine, and he is my trouble maker.  "HE'S MY TROUBLE CHILD," I yell as I jog down the road at 8:30 in the morning chasing after my son.  What do you do?  What do you do??  You go home and cry.  That's what you do.  Or at least what I did.

My sweet, sweet little man, all chalk full of evil on some days.  Then tonight I'm putting him to bed and very sweetly he asks, "Mommy, do you love me?  Because I LOVE you!!"

My Christmas wish?  My little boy's personality would even out a little and FAST.  I'm tired of trying to raise a little Jekyll and Hyde.

  

The Ultimate Christmas List for the Stay at Home Mom

Now what to ask Santa for Christmas?  We (at least I hope I am not only speaking for myself) already have one foot in the asylum, so why not ask big and put it all out there.  Here are some of my suggestions for Christmas wishes to put on your list:


1 - A cook.  (seriously.  I get tired of the age-old question "what do I make for dinner?"  I'm DONE!  Let someone else deal with it!


2 - A maid (A most obvious choice.)


3 - A robotic vacuum cleaner. (One that can go ALL DAY LONG, because that is the ONLY way the floor will EVER be clean.  Also, it must be large enough to pick up small toys and make them disappear FOREVER!)


4 - 2 more washers and dryers (OH! And an automatic folder and put-away mechanism as well.  Laundry.  WHO needs it??  Not I.)


5 - A volume switch for children.  Or maybe a pause switch?  Either would be fine, as long as it's easy installation and a lifetime warranty.


6 - A few pairs of warm socks (because I'm too cheap to keep the heat up high, and my feet are always cold!)


7 - A secret padded chamber. (A place to disappear, thrash about, scream and cry on those bad days, without scaring the children or embarrassing yourself!)


8 - A 2.5 year trip to the spa.  Yes.  8 years of motherhood and 3 rowdy children DOES warrant this.


9 - 6 months uninterrupted sleep.  This needs NO explanation.  It is the only way to recoup after years of this mom stuff!


10 - A large salary.  A large, tax-free salary.  With a Christmas bonus, 8 weeks holiday, full benefits, etc etc.  


11 - And finally, when those kids hit puberty, an EASY time of it.  An easy, happy, well adjusted child who loves you forever and accepts every decision you make for him/her.  One that does not argue, challenge, or glare at you.  


Sorry Santa, it's a tall order to fill, but we deserve it =)

DJ on Mornings

Mornings - Love 'em or hate 'em?  Me, I LOATHE them.  I will tell you why.  It's the point in the day when you are furthest away from the kids going to bed.  Oh that sounds so mean, but it is so true; and if you had MY kids, you would feel the same way.


Case-in-point, THIS morning.  


While all of my mornings seem wrought with rushing, whining, chaotic, "make-breakfast-I'm hungry," let's get to school, let me wipe your bum, your diaper is leaking, please hurry and eat, go brush your teeth, he's pulling my hair, I forgot to make my lunch, I forgot my homework, don't forget to let the dog out, the dog pooped on my blanket, where's my coffee, and please hit me with a mallet and put me out of my misery for a few hours kind of chaos.


THIS morning was especially a "what is going on I'm groggy out of my mind and can't remember my kids' names" sort of morning.


Scene one:  dark bedroom, deep sleep, 6am-ish. Eldest daughter enters room.  I hear a faint, "Mom?  Mom?  Mom?"  I reply, "waaahhh?"  Taking advantage of my sleepy state eldest daughter asks, "Can we eat the waaahh wahhh baah baaah maaaah?" (This is how I heard it, she actually asked to eat my favourite German gingerbread cookies, and apparently eating them ALL was also on her agenda.) "Uh huh." I reply.  Good.  The kids can feed themselves and I can sleep.  So be it.


Scene Two:  "Mooooooom!  I'm DOOOONE!!" I hear after what I imagine was many "Mom I'm done"'s.  "Done WHAT?"   Ooooh.  Done THAT.  There is nothing I love MORE than cleaning a dirty bum at 6:30 in the morning.  Like taking a cold shower I tell you.  


I stumble out of bed, groggy out of my mind (that's what you get for going to bed late last night, grumble, grumble!).  On the way to the bathroom to clean middle son's smelly bum, I notice the fridge door open.  "What the?"  Oh, no.  Baby is in the fridge, with the bag of mushrooms open.  She is pulling out mushrooms and picking them into little pieces and throwing them in the crisper.   


"When did everyone get up??" I mumble.


"MOOOM I'm DOOONE!!"  Yeah, yeah, I'm coming.  I can barely see.  Who's that on the toilet?  Oh yeah, middle son, the trouble maker with the dirty bum.  As I wipe, I yell out to my big girl "What did I say yes to you eating earlier??"


"Your cookies."


"My WHAT?"


"Your cookies."


"Oh gee WHIZ!"


I'm grumbling about, stumbling around.  I can't wake up.  I don't know who is who.  One of them wants toast, one of them wants waffles.  No not toast, but cereal.  No not cereal, but bread and butter (I believe my son was an inmate in an earlier life).  What?  Who wants milk?  Not you?  What's your name again?  Why is there celery on the floor? Leave those damn mushrooms alone!  Are there any cookies left?  You gave them to the baby?  Oh good, at least I know what the brown on her face is!!  


EVERYONE SHUT - UP!!


I am making coffee.

It's that time of the year...

Baking?  Later!  Tree?  Soon! Decorations and lights?  Up! Shopping?  Almost done! Christmas cards?  No Time! School? Two more weeks!  School Christmas celebrations? Coming, and coming!  School concert?  Soon!  Cleaning?  Whaaaat?  Laundry?  Say whaaat?  Sanity?  Fleeeeeting......quickly.  


'Tis the season for drowning...in everything.  Regular day to day stuff, with a whole bunch of crap piled on top.  Throw 3 kids in the mix, and you have chaos.


So far this year...the tree is late, the advent calendars were late, the money is GONE, and as usual, I hope the expectations are not tooooo high.  


So how do we deal?  Well first, the image of "Santa" gets rather de-mystified in my house.  I can't hide the fact that yes I DO shop for gifts, and yes I DO wrap the gifts. Sooo....I have suddenly become a helper of Santa.  Heck, he has so many kids to take care of that he needs parents to help him out.  He'll grab the presents when no one is looking, and deliver them on Christmas Eve as usual.  Hence, Santa still rules, but he doesn't get all the credit anymore.


Money issues?  Well, we spend as much as we can muster on the kids, and the rest of the family get short-changed.  Sorry to say it, but you're getting baking AGAIN this year.  And yes, it's tasty and will make you fat.  But yes, I worked HARD to make it for you and there's more thought in that than in a cheap sweater or some electronic gadget you'll never figure out how to use!  You just better hope the kids didn't help me make those treats, because you may find interesting bits of this and that in that butter tart! 


Stress?  Naaaah.  I do LOVE the holidays and the festivities, but there is also a lot of PRESSURE.  Drag the kids here and there for the two family get togethers.  Be here at this time, leave at that time, naps here and there, fill up the tank, get out that way before this time to make that dinner, make sure the kids get lunch!  Oh, babe missed her nap!  Oh, please don't get up at 5 tomorrow!  Kids want to see Santa?  Oh yeaaaah!  Stocking stuffers? Oh no!  Got to get those!  Oh look, I forgot a gift for so-and-so - hurry, throw some cookies on a plate!  I'm out of tape!  No - don't take the decorations down!  Shoot...it broke.  Take a bath!  It's almost been a week!  Are you serious?  The battery died in the car?  Where's the wrapping paper?  Mommy...my tummy hurts....


Well, let's hope this year NO ONE GETS SICK (I remember getting thrown up on one Christmas Eve while my daughter was having diarrhea on the toilet - Merry Christmas!).  And let's hope that this year, our car doesn't break down and leave us stranded Christmas Eve (power steering pump blew.  oil everywhere.)  And let's hope that this year our vehicle doesn't catch FIRE in the driveway (yes, another past event).  


It's still a couple of weeks away....ANYTHING can happen.....!!!!