in the beginning, there was a positive pregnancy test....

Once upon a time, there was a 24 year old girl.  8 years later she had 3 kids (hellions), a husband (kid #4), a suffocating mortgage (mixed blessing), 2 dogs (ugh), 2 cats (ick), and 6 snakes (quiet, polite, mess free, and contained in a cage.  perfect).  

But seriously, I don't even know how I got here. It's all a hazy blur, and that's without any mind-altering concoctions (btw, could you spare an Ativan?). I was a kid, and then a miserable teenager, and then an aimless 20-something, and then a mother.  Did I miss something here?  Each time a new baby arrived, the intensity of life rose, and now here I am: three kids, constant messy clutter, food fights, arguing, hugs, diapers, dirty fingers, sticky cheeks, run, run, run, try to get some sleep, what's going on? I am mother in survival mode.  If I were to look for a “real” job right now, I don't think the plethora of skills us mothers have acquired would be valued. However, allow me to list all the rolls we fill as mothers. We all deserve doctorates: Mom, Phd. I am a professional house cleaner, cook, nanny, laundress, nurse, psychiatrist, book keeper, budget guru, mediator, taxi driver, entertainer, teacher, and it goes on and on.

First and foremost as mothers we most certainly must master the art of multitasking. My personal best involves making dinner while sipping coffee, emptying the dishwasher, holding a baby, and yelling at the big kids all at once. I can hold my pee for hours on end until the opportunity arises for me to do so without fear of someone jumping out a window or setting the house on fire; and most of the time I do duck into the washroom, I do so with a nagging audience. "Mooooo-oooom.  Are you pooing??  Eeeewww!!  Mom's pooooooooing!!!"

I have a working mental inventory of the cupboards and fridge, and as I write shopping lists, I do so with the order of the store aisles in mind because I have even that memorized (can you say OCD?). I can guestimate the price of a shop withing 20 dollars. I can get myself and 3 kids up, fed, changed, and ready for the day by 7:30am. I can survive on 4 hours of sleep without a nap. I can smell a full diaper from the other end of the house. I can be pooped and vomited on time and time again without cringing. My only cringe is for the amount of laundry it causes. Gross smells don't phase me, nor does diarrhea. You can throw it all at me. I'm a mom.  

I am......The DIAPER JOCKEY.