Yes, I Have a Job

If you're anything like me, being a stay at home mom comes with some guilt, especially in financially difficult times (which is most of the time if you're anything like me!).  If you're anything like me, you need a strong reminder of what exactly you are doing for this world and for the little people in your lives.  If you're anything like me, you have a full time job, more full time than any job out there, if you're anything like me!!!


If you're anything like me, your days might look a little like this (and no, the day doesn't end at bedtime.  You're always on the clock if you're anything like me!!):


1am - baby cries, soothe baby.
3am - baby cries, baby's diaper leaking, full baby change....must convince baby to go back to bed.
5:30am - Big kids "I"M HUNGRY"  Put on show, grab baggies of cereal to munch on, attempt to sleep another hour.
5:45am - "MOM, I spilled my food all over your bed!!"
REMIND ME - why bother with alarm clock at all??
6am - full swing - breakfasts, getting dressed, taking shower, letting dog out, changing diapers
7am - packing for school, BRUSH YOUR TEETH! BRUSH YOUR HAIR! GET OFF THE COMPUTER!
8am - walking to school, take out garbage cans
9am - feed 4 year old 1st snack of 20 during the day. Empty dishwasher, empty dryer, fill washer, fill dryer, sweet floor, change diapers, fill dishwasher, clean spilled milk, break up kid fight, scrape jam off floor, get the mail, snack for kid, open bills, yell at hubby over phone at the credit card bill, organize bills, do a little budgeting, bring in garbage cans, take out trash, let dog out, clean dog mess, sweep floor, check email, attempt to nap baby, snack for kid, make lunch, cook food, cool food, feed kids, clean lunch, fill dishwasher, run dishwasher, change diaper, clean mess on floor, hold my head for a few seconds in a silent scream, work on shopping list, snack for kid, ignore the phone, yell at dog for barking, look at clock.  SHOOT! I swear to GOODNESS it was just 9am.
2pm - Get big kid from school.  Walk home, yell at 4year old for running across street, get home.
2:30 - let out dog, wipe dirty bum, pick up toys, figure out dinner, begin preparing dinner.  Make coffee, drink coffee and vacuum, check on dinner, go grab laundry, empty dryer, empty washer, fill dryer, fill washer, fold a few towels, check on dinner, snack for kid, change diaper, set table, hubby home, serve dinner, yell at kids for being rude at table, yell at daddy for being rude at table, clear table, empty dishwasher, fill dishwasher, wipe counters, wipe table, give kids baths, get kids changed, get big kid to do homework, read to 4 year old (whilst he eats snack), get him to sleep.  
7:30 - crawl out of 4 year old's room half asleep, tuck big kid into bed.  Make decision - go for a run or sit?  Toss up.  Tonight I run.  Run, shower, get dishwasher running, get ready for bed
10:30 - crawl into bed.  
11pm - 4 year old crawls into bed with us
12am - big kid sneaks in and sleeps on floor
1am - baby cries, soothe baby
2:30 am - baby wet, full baby change....


and on.........and on...............and on..............and on....................


Now some days I think, "darnit...I need to get a part time job in the evenings."  but REALLY??  REALLY??

Maybe I'm just crazy.

I really should just write this stuff down before I lose my train of thought.  I lose it very easily, not much flows well through this rock between my shoulders anymore.  Always clouded with thoughts like, "why is the dishwasher so horribly loaded?", and, "I better fold that pile of 8 loads of laundry on the couch before the dog pees on it again, or the kids decide to have a fashion show with my granny panties."  Or I might have the glimmer of a totally brilliant, million dollar idea that could change our lives entirely, and then the 4 year old boy emerges from the bathroom with a sanitary pad stuck to his forehead saying, "why do you have sticky diapers, mom?"  Yes, motherhood kind of pushes everything else out, and I fear that after 8 years of it, I may be showing signs of mental illness.  Serious.  In a serious, paranoid personality disorder sort of way.  So I just have to try to debunk all the symptoms and attribute them to something else to prevent myself from getting paranoid about being paranoid.


I mean, first off, why NOT be paranoid?  What's wrong with that?  Keep your guard up, pistols loaded, ready to jump into action at any sort of trouble.  Yes.  That's me.  Hence my inability to sit and relax.  There's no time to sit and relax with 3 kids running amok and creating and re-creating the same messes time and time again.  Paranoid?  Yes in indeed.  Paranoid that my house will begin crawling with bugs, or perhaps that the baby will suffocate in a mountain of Lego.  So that's a totally justifiable paranoia.  Indeed.


So people suffering from a paranoia disorder have a deep mistrust of others; others are out to get them, or are having malicious thoughts about them.  This is not being paranoid.  This is about being realistic!  House, mortgage, credit cards, house taxes, dog licenses, payments, payments payments, threats, telemarketers, loans, banks, government.  YES EVERYONE IS OUT TO GET YOU!  It is indeed true.  Generally they want your money, and if you don't give it to them, or give them their money back, they will certainly come after you.  So yes, be paranoid.  Run for the hills if you must.  It's a greedy world out there.  No, I do not like hanging out in the yard with the kids.  Yes, I like to play with them and watch them laugh and play, but when that telemarketer comes to your door, or that lovely old man comes to save your soul with his pamphlets, or that crazy dog license lady comes to bother you, you can't ignore the door if you are outside.  And then you have to deal with them.  And I don't want to deal with them, and I don't plan on saying yes, but I hate to say no, and I'd rather just avoid it all if at all possible.  Hence the person with paranoia isolating themselves from the world.  Maybe if it was a little more pleasant out there we'd spend more time with all the strangers....uuuggghhhh.  


So yeah, I generally have a lack of trust in people, particularly strangers.  When you approach me, state your intentions, please.  Friend, foe, creditor?  Want to buy me a coffee?  I'm in.


OK, next on the agenda, a lack of romantic appetite.  Seriously?  3 kids..."mommy pick me up, mommy mommy!  Hey mom?  Mom I'm hungry, get me this, wipe my bum, I barfed, I peed my pants, and I pooped a little, too, mommy!  mommy?  Mooooooommmmmmy!!?? get me this! get me that! mommy!"  All day all day all day.  I'm needed, wanted, touched, grabbed, clung too, hugged, kissed, kicked, pooped on, cried on, spilled on.  Do I NEED any more physical contact?  Most days?   No.thank.you!  


And yes, I am indeed over sensitive, but I attribute that to lack of sleep, being on edge (from drinking too much coffee to compensate for the lack of sleep), and a general dislike of being contradicted, challenged or told I am wrong.  Because generally, I am just right.  Sorry, but I just believe that I am right in most situations (just as we ALL do, I'm just not afraid to admit to my rightness!! LOL). This is the excessive self-importance of those with paranoid personality disorders have (as stated by Wikipedia).  I think all of us, and parents in general do have a certain sense of self-importance.  We are pretty important, damnit!


So yes, I think many aspects of parenthood can mimic different personality disorders, I just happen to be overly paranoid, over dramatic, unromantic, and self righteous.  This is entirely uh....er....normal?  Hmmm.  or maybe I am a few phone calls away from a trip to the mental hospital....not sure.  Although I'm sure the hospital with all their happy white padded walls sure could be peaceful sight for a gal like me.....