strange awakening

I remember this weird moment when I was around 9 years old.  It was like I suddenly woke up, becoming aware of myself and my world.  I can't remember the exact thought but it was probably "why am I here?"  I do remember subsequent thoughts like, "why am I 9?"  "Why am I a kid?" and "What am I doing here?".  It was this strange awakening; just for a moment, and then I was able to go on with the fantastically whimsical and imaginative life of a 9 year old girl without a care. 

I was brought back to that moment today, as I slumped over the kitchen counter mid-day.  I had my pounding head in my hands and my exact thought was "Oh God make this day end."  Followed with thoughts such as "how am I going to make it to bed time," "I better clean the yogurt footprints off the floor," and "the next child who whines moooooom better fear for his or her little hide 'cause momma's hit the mid day wall that coffee can't even cure."  It was this strange awakening; just for a moment, and then I was able to go on with the horrifically real and exhausting life of a 34 year old mother of 3 with more cares than she'd ever thought she's care to have!

Yeah...well I'm back...

Mmmkay we won't discuss the silly hiatus that I termed as "writer's block".  I think when it comes to blogging, the only thing that holds one back is laziness.  When it comes to novels, yes, writer's block does apply.

It's been a ridiculous year.  That is all I will say about that.

I was standing here in my kitchen (still am) and realized that I need to just get back on here and start complaining again.  So here's what I'm doing:  cooking soup.  I am also packing my husband's lunch for work (eye roll).  Of course I had better pack it right or he will threaten to pack it himself.  Oh GOLLY!  You might pack it yourself?  Oh, the horror!!  A husband packing his own lunch is the sort of thing nightmares are made of.

So the kids.  Yes... middle son is in Kindergarten **dancing around kitchen**. Yes.  The crazy child who I once thought needed anti psychotic drugs has entered the system, and he is flourishing.  Teacher's exact quote:  "He is so smart, and so kind, and I haven't heard one thing I don't like yet.  I think he will be a geo engineer one day."  EA's exact words "He's much calmer than most of the boys, and he listens right away when you tell him something.  I find him quite funny."  Ummm Are you SURE you have the right kid?  The one who wears his underwear backwards because "the hole" bothers him?  The one who has a temper tantrum before school because he wants to wear his sandals, no his shoes, no his sandals with socks, no his shoes with no socks, no his sandals with no socks and pack his socks and shoes in his bag with him in case he changes his mind.  THAT kid?  

Then there's brilliant eldest daughter.  Entered grade 4.  Good at everything.  Friends with everyone.  Strange, original, quirky, weird, artistic, one of a kind.  Youngest daughter - near replica of eldest daughter with some added spice, plenty of sass, and full of cheeky remarks (which you are more likely to get away with when you are 3).

Me - a few more tattoos, a new hobby (painting), chopped hair, and continuously evolving as each year passes.  I am enjoying the internal journey that is the 3rd decade of life.  

Yes, I Have a Job

If you're anything like me, being a stay at home mom comes with some guilt, especially in financially difficult times (which is most of the time if you're anything like me!).  If you're anything like me, you need a strong reminder of what exactly you are doing for this world and for the little people in your lives.  If you're anything like me, you have a full time job, more full time than any job out there, if you're anything like me!!!


If you're anything like me, your days might look a little like this (and no, the day doesn't end at bedtime.  You're always on the clock if you're anything like me!!):


1am - baby cries, soothe baby.
3am - baby cries, baby's diaper leaking, full baby change....must convince baby to go back to bed.
5:30am - Big kids "I"M HUNGRY"  Put on show, grab baggies of cereal to munch on, attempt to sleep another hour.
5:45am - "MOM, I spilled my food all over your bed!!"
REMIND ME - why bother with alarm clock at all??
6am - full swing - breakfasts, getting dressed, taking shower, letting dog out, changing diapers
7am - packing for school, BRUSH YOUR TEETH! BRUSH YOUR HAIR! GET OFF THE COMPUTER!
8am - walking to school, take out garbage cans
9am - feed 4 year old 1st snack of 20 during the day. Empty dishwasher, empty dryer, fill washer, fill dryer, sweet floor, change diapers, fill dishwasher, clean spilled milk, break up kid fight, scrape jam off floor, get the mail, snack for kid, open bills, yell at hubby over phone at the credit card bill, organize bills, do a little budgeting, bring in garbage cans, take out trash, let dog out, clean dog mess, sweep floor, check email, attempt to nap baby, snack for kid, make lunch, cook food, cool food, feed kids, clean lunch, fill dishwasher, run dishwasher, change diaper, clean mess on floor, hold my head for a few seconds in a silent scream, work on shopping list, snack for kid, ignore the phone, yell at dog for barking, look at clock.  SHOOT! I swear to GOODNESS it was just 9am.
2pm - Get big kid from school.  Walk home, yell at 4year old for running across street, get home.
2:30 - let out dog, wipe dirty bum, pick up toys, figure out dinner, begin preparing dinner.  Make coffee, drink coffee and vacuum, check on dinner, go grab laundry, empty dryer, empty washer, fill dryer, fill washer, fold a few towels, check on dinner, snack for kid, change diaper, set table, hubby home, serve dinner, yell at kids for being rude at table, yell at daddy for being rude at table, clear table, empty dishwasher, fill dishwasher, wipe counters, wipe table, give kids baths, get kids changed, get big kid to do homework, read to 4 year old (whilst he eats snack), get him to sleep.  
7:30 - crawl out of 4 year old's room half asleep, tuck big kid into bed.  Make decision - go for a run or sit?  Toss up.  Tonight I run.  Run, shower, get dishwasher running, get ready for bed
10:30 - crawl into bed.  
11pm - 4 year old crawls into bed with us
12am - big kid sneaks in and sleeps on floor
1am - baby cries, soothe baby
2:30 am - baby wet, full baby change....


and on.........and on...............and on..............and on....................


Now some days I think, "darnit...I need to get a part time job in the evenings."  but REALLY??  REALLY??

Maybe I'm just crazy.

I really should just write this stuff down before I lose my train of thought.  I lose it very easily, not much flows well through this rock between my shoulders anymore.  Always clouded with thoughts like, "why is the dishwasher so horribly loaded?", and, "I better fold that pile of 8 loads of laundry on the couch before the dog pees on it again, or the kids decide to have a fashion show with my granny panties."  Or I might have the glimmer of a totally brilliant, million dollar idea that could change our lives entirely, and then the 4 year old boy emerges from the bathroom with a sanitary pad stuck to his forehead saying, "why do you have sticky diapers, mom?"  Yes, motherhood kind of pushes everything else out, and I fear that after 8 years of it, I may be showing signs of mental illness.  Serious.  In a serious, paranoid personality disorder sort of way.  So I just have to try to debunk all the symptoms and attribute them to something else to prevent myself from getting paranoid about being paranoid.


I mean, first off, why NOT be paranoid?  What's wrong with that?  Keep your guard up, pistols loaded, ready to jump into action at any sort of trouble.  Yes.  That's me.  Hence my inability to sit and relax.  There's no time to sit and relax with 3 kids running amok and creating and re-creating the same messes time and time again.  Paranoid?  Yes in indeed.  Paranoid that my house will begin crawling with bugs, or perhaps that the baby will suffocate in a mountain of Lego.  So that's a totally justifiable paranoia.  Indeed.


So people suffering from a paranoia disorder have a deep mistrust of others; others are out to get them, or are having malicious thoughts about them.  This is not being paranoid.  This is about being realistic!  House, mortgage, credit cards, house taxes, dog licenses, payments, payments payments, threats, telemarketers, loans, banks, government.  YES EVERYONE IS OUT TO GET YOU!  It is indeed true.  Generally they want your money, and if you don't give it to them, or give them their money back, they will certainly come after you.  So yes, be paranoid.  Run for the hills if you must.  It's a greedy world out there.  No, I do not like hanging out in the yard with the kids.  Yes, I like to play with them and watch them laugh and play, but when that telemarketer comes to your door, or that lovely old man comes to save your soul with his pamphlets, or that crazy dog license lady comes to bother you, you can't ignore the door if you are outside.  And then you have to deal with them.  And I don't want to deal with them, and I don't plan on saying yes, but I hate to say no, and I'd rather just avoid it all if at all possible.  Hence the person with paranoia isolating themselves from the world.  Maybe if it was a little more pleasant out there we'd spend more time with all the strangers....uuuggghhhh.  


So yeah, I generally have a lack of trust in people, particularly strangers.  When you approach me, state your intentions, please.  Friend, foe, creditor?  Want to buy me a coffee?  I'm in.


OK, next on the agenda, a lack of romantic appetite.  Seriously?  3 kids..."mommy pick me up, mommy mommy!  Hey mom?  Mom I'm hungry, get me this, wipe my bum, I barfed, I peed my pants, and I pooped a little, too, mommy!  mommy?  Mooooooommmmmmy!!?? get me this! get me that! mommy!"  All day all day all day.  I'm needed, wanted, touched, grabbed, clung too, hugged, kissed, kicked, pooped on, cried on, spilled on.  Do I NEED any more physical contact?  Most days?   No.thank.you!  


And yes, I am indeed over sensitive, but I attribute that to lack of sleep, being on edge (from drinking too much coffee to compensate for the lack of sleep), and a general dislike of being contradicted, challenged or told I am wrong.  Because generally, I am just right.  Sorry, but I just believe that I am right in most situations (just as we ALL do, I'm just not afraid to admit to my rightness!! LOL). This is the excessive self-importance of those with paranoid personality disorders have (as stated by Wikipedia).  I think all of us, and parents in general do have a certain sense of self-importance.  We are pretty important, damnit!


So yes, I think many aspects of parenthood can mimic different personality disorders, I just happen to be overly paranoid, over dramatic, unromantic, and self righteous.  This is entirely uh....er....normal?  Hmmm.  or maybe I am a few phone calls away from a trip to the mental hospital....not sure.  Although I'm sure the hospital with all their happy white padded walls sure could be peaceful sight for a gal like me.....

You Know When Dad is one of the Kids When....

So when do they grow up, huh? Some people have told me around 30, but he's 30 now and I see little change!  So how do you know when you have one extra large kid in your family?  It's not hard to tell.  

As a mom, I've worked so hard to teach my kids to be polite and well mannered.  So hard.  But when my 19 month old throws up at the dinner table, pushing her gut so hard to burp like daddy, mortification reaches an all time high!  My littlest man says "let's have a burping party" and I scream "NOOO!"  Then I turn to my husband with an icy glare, "this is YOUR fault."

So okay, burping is a natural function, right?  Excess air and gas in the body need to come out, right?  So I guess the same goes for good 'ol flatulence.  And guess what -  at around the age the babes start responding to verbal commands, they also start farting on command as well.  It's funny to get your baby to toot in the tub, right?  And that's why my 19 month old (and all the rest of them) find it gut-busting hilarious when they pass gas now.  They'll even wave it at you if they're feeling extra sassy.  I spit an icy glare at my husband "this is YOUR fault."

Let's face it, our bodies can be pretty gross.  Strange things come out, especially when we are sick. Runny noses turn into crusty noses; and surely one must pick it all out, right?  So when I am at the school with my youngest 2 at a play group, and my 19 month old jams her finger in her nose, and straight into her mouth, I look around at the other mothers quite sheepishly and say "THAT is her FATHER'S fault."  As the saying goes (according to him) "you pick it, you eat it!"

Oh, if only you could be a fly on the wall for one weekend at my house, the things you would see.  I duck away for 15 minutes to shower to return to a blaring loud stereo and kids dancing around off their rockers while daddy tests out some new music.  Or perhaps when the kids slip their pants down their bums and run around the house.  How about the other day, while at Stanley park, daddy decides to hop on the stroller and take a ride down a hill.  Embarrassing?  Indeed.  And the next thing the rest of the kids want a death-defying ride down the hill in a stroller with no brakes.  "Absolutely NOT" I yell.  

Daddy is the one I have to argue with about NOT getting a new TV, or video game system, or computer, or pet.  Big kid?  Biggest of the bunch I'd say!

**Sigh**  So what does this all make me?  The no-fun mom.  The bad guy.  The downer, the kill-joy.  But what can you do?  It's a mom's life, I guess!

2011?? I uhh...don't think I really care!!

Happy New Year!!  I guess.... The eternal pessimist in me has a hard time ringing in a "fresh" new year (doesn't help when you start the year with 3 sick kids and maybe 4 hours of sleep a night for the past week).

Resolutions, anyone?  I think I will pass this year!  I had many possibilities, but really, can I expect much more of myself?  

Here are the resolutions I considered:

Spend more time with the kids - Well it's already 24/7 so I don't see how this one is possible.

Exercise & Eat well - Everyone should already be doing this all the time.  And I try.  And it's all up to the kids really. Will you sleep so I can run?  Will you give me 10 minutes to cook up a chicken breast so I can avoid your Mac 'N Cheese?

Take more time to myself - This is contrary to my first option, and therefore neither make much sense to me.  Possible?  No!

Try not to worry too much?  After years of paycheque to paycheque living, worry becomes inbedded in your SOUL.  So no to this one!


Spend less money?  If I spent any less, I would have no socks, never mind all my socks with holes.  If I spent less, then I would probably be using leaves for toilet paper, or cooking rats over an open fire for supper.  Don't think I could spend LESS!!


Have more fun with my family / get out more / find more activities.  Look at the above resolution and you will see that spending MORE isn't possible, either!!  A lot of FUN requires CASH.  


Oh let's face it.  Unless you are starting the year with a new job, are moving to a new town and starting fresh, there is no "New Year".  All the years just mesh together into one LIFE.  The "New Year?"  Really and come on and PULEASE!  It's an excuse to party!  To drink and act like dummies!  


I was pretty happy just hanging out with the kids playing video games, letting them stay up, and then hearing them complain when mom and dad were too tired and wanted to go to bed at 10:30!


So over the past few days of quiet thought, I've mulled over 2010 and FINALLY pulled out a resolution that I can apply to my life!  What do I remember about 2010?  Not much.  Nothing major stands out, except a few highs and a few lows, and a whole bunch of white hairs from my worry and paranoid tendencies.  Here's what I'm going to do from now on:


Seize the good times, and try not to let anything spoil them.  You know those great moments when the kids are so wrapped up in playing or dancing or having fun and are living in the excitement of the moment?  They aren't thinking about any of their worries.  They are just enjoying the moment.  That's what I need to do.  Then I think I will find a lot more great memories that aren't clouded by the crappier things in life. Deal with the crap when it needs to be dealt with and set it aside.  We all need to be more childlike and lose ourselves in the times that are full of joy! 


So Happy New Year.  I think the key is to just try and make it Happy.  You can just let the rest fall into place on it's own!


  

Merry Christmas from a Newly-Inducted Dinosaur

The excitement and anticipation of Christmas is mounting around the house!  The kids are crackling with nervous energy and it is pretty infectious (when I'm not worried about money and bills and family politics and fighting kids).  I guess growing up brings new stress and new perceptions on the holidays.  You realize just how much things changed since your childhood Christmases.


I asked one of my daughter's friends what she wanted for Christmas the other day - "Oh, just a lap top and a phone."  Say what?  From the mouths of babes?


So as I was dragging my 7 and 3 year old off the computer (It's Christmas on Club Penguin, you know), I yelled, "Go play with your toys!  Or colour! Or play with your play-doh! For crying out loud!"


"But mooo-oooom! Why?  We want the computer!  Or can I go on the lap top?  Why can't I get a lap top for Christmas?"


Suddenly I became my worst nightmare.  I became a product of the olden days. Are you serious?  I'm 30 something, and things have changed so drastically since my childhood, I am officially a dinosaur, and a lecturing dinosaur at that!


Big breath.....and GO!


"I didn't have a computer until I was FOURTEEN years old!  And no internet, either!  No Facebook, or chatting, or video games either.  I was TWELVE when we got our first Nintendo for crying out loud.  You know what I did when I was your age?  I played OUTSIDE!  I rode my bike  and played GI Joe with the boys and Barbies with the girls.  We used to make our own newspapers and tape record our own radio shows.  We made up games and our whole day was a big long episode of made believe.  I read books and wrote my own stories and did puzzles and never ONCE did I play on a computer at home until I was FOURTEEN!  So no, you can't play on the computer and you will NOT get a lap top for Christmas whether you like it or not!"


Big breath in.....and end.


NOW.  I have officially been inducted into dinosaur status, along with the grandparents and great grandparents.  Although I didn't walk uphill in the snow both ways to school barefoot, I came pretty darn close for this generation.  And although you will NEVER pry my beautiful lap top and Blackberry out of my cold, dead hands, there is no way MY kids will ever get either this Christmas, or for many to come!